"Here I Am" Part 9

My apologies for being gone so long. My issues with my back are slowly resolving and I am grateful for all of your prayers! Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts as I continue to recover. Now on to the good stuff!



I fear this last and final post of "Here I Am" may be somewhat anti-climactic. As I mentioned before, I cannot tell you about specific events that took place during my walk without ruining the experience for those of you that have yet to take that step.

What I can do is tell you how I felt while I was there and what the experience has done for me.
The first night there I remember being completely at ease in a room full of people I had just met moments before. Instead of being focused on myself, I looked at each individual wondering what brought them to this point in their lives. Are their stories anything like mine?

It’s important for us to always remember that everyone has a story. Everyone has felt pain, dealt with tragedy or struggled with some sort of demon in their lives. It’s also important to realize that if they have not taken these events to Jesus it is very easy to get lost in that pain and fear.

People often act in ways they otherwise wouldn’t when carrying such burdens. As the weekend began to unfold the stories of my new sisters did as well. It was a pivotal moment for me to see that these beautiful and priceless creatures of God, my sisters in Christ were every bit as broken as I was.

In that moment I realized I wasn’t alone in my struggles with the flesh. So much of my life I have tried to live with one foot in this world and the other foot in the spiritual world. All this does is leave you in a state of confusion; constantly at odds with yourself and others.

Wow. That is a huge revelation. That knowledge becomes much of my focus after the walk. Perhaps at some time it will be the focus of another blog post, but for now the thought is tucked inside my heart for further review and contemplation.

The following days of the walk were absolutely amazing. Again I will refrain from telling specific events but I can tell you that I have never felt the Lord’s presence as I did during that weekend. It was so overwhelming at times all I could do was cry.

How can God possibly love me? And this much? Talk about blessed! God made me! My identity that I had so selfishly and blindly struggled with over the years finally became much clearer to me. My identity is in Christ!

My past evil doings no longer mattered. Things done to me were becoming a blur as well. I have never in my life felt so forgiven, so loved, so blessed and so cleansed.

There is much time spent with your new sisters during the walk, but in your time alone with God…with Christ and the Holy Spirit…words fail me. I shared everything I could think of with the Lord. Every ugly and dark action, thoughts and feelings that I didn’t want weighing me down any more.

The Holy Spirit worked through me and I could feel His love…His forgiveness… It was like a tidal wave. It hit without warning and washed over me
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If you have never experienced His amazing grace, you may not be able to relate to that. If you have, you know exactly what I am talking about. Amazing. That became my word to describe the entire walk. So much so my sisters told me I really needed to extend my vocabulary! But I was overwhelmed and the experience truly was amazing…

As the closing festivities came to an end and my new sisters and I parted ways I couldn’t help but think about the verse in 2 Corinthians 5:17. The NIV translation says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”

I was now the new creation. The old has gone, the new is here. Hmm… I know this doesn’t mean I will automatically do the right thing or even know what the right thing is. I know I will continue to struggle with the flesh as everyone does. I know there are many old ways of thinking that I need to put to rest.

The KJV of the aforementioned scripture states it a little differently. “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.” All things are become new? Does that mean we are always in a state of becoming? Hmm… I like that.

Now…to get that other foot out of this world and join the other foot in the spiritual world. That doesn’t seem such an overwhelming task any more. I know I will stumble. I’m likely to stumble a lot. But I’m not alone. I have my new sisters to encourage me. And I have Jesus, ready and waiting for me.

That thought makes me smile. O.k. Lord. You win, as you always knew you would. I’m ready to embark on this new adventure with you. I’m ready to follow you, wherever you may lead. I’m ready to let go of whatever causes me to depart from the path you have laid for me.

In all my sinfulness I’m ready for you, Lord. Do with me what you will because Lord, here I am…

Apologies to my blogger friends

I just got over an illness and now have hurt my back. I cannot sit up to write. Hope to be better soon. Thanks for your patience and prayers.

Here I Am Part 8

I believe I will fast forward a bit. I experienced the child like emotions of waiting-for-Santa on the morning the walk was to begin. My sponsors were not set to pick me up until 2:00. It was an incredibly long morning so there was ample time to send several prayers up to Heaven’s gates.

“O.k. Lord. This is it. The day I have been waiting for. Thank you for preparing me. I feel no anxiety and I cannot wait to get there. Thank you for the many blessings I have already received and for the ones yet to come.”

Finally the time arrived! My sponsors came and loaded up me and my suitcase and we were off. Now is the time I need to be incredibly careful as to what I post. I do not wish to spoil anything for those of you that have not yet gone on a walk to Emmaus. I will recount the spiritual impacts I experienced without much description of the actual event.

Had I known all the events that were in store for me ahead of time, I would have “anticipated” instead of being fully focused on “participating”. This is crucial to the experience. 

I am so grateful that is the only substantial information my sponsors shared with me. A lot of planning, prayer and preparation go into the walk and you gain so many blessings by just letting the events unfold in sequence.

There were several people going on this particular walk so we took 2 cars. I rode with yet another person sponsoring me that I had not previously met and honestly didn’t even know she existed! The amount of people behind the scenes eventually became quite staggering.

The first event was the “Send Off”. This took place in a little cowboy church filled with more behind-the-scenes people and those they were sponsoring. There were certainly a lot of people packed in there for only 36 women. 

It was so touching and emotional to see how many souls had come to pray for the 36. I didn’t know then that the emotions would be ever increasing throughout the next 3 and ½ days. Happy overwhelmed tears, they were just beginning.

Traditionally, after the prayer service everyone that was at the church heads over to the same restaurant where we all enjoyed a great dinner and wonderful fellowship. After the meal, the sponsors gather up their pilgrims and head over to the Emmaus walk venue.

Once there, you could just feel the excitement building. The lobby was full of lovely women that would become very important in my spiritual walk and my life. After everyone had the opportunity to find their rooms and visit awhile the welcoming ceremony began.

All the “staff” for the walk are introduced along with the pilgrims. When this is complete, the sponsors depart and the pilgrims begin their adventure in the Ark. And what an adventure it was.

"Here I Am" Part 7

I have the best memories of Christmas as a child. Moma and Daddy always made it seem so magical. They would put up the tree after Thanksgiving with Christmas music playing in the back ground.  My sister Jodi and I would have hot chocolate and cookies while we helped hang the ornaments. Several gifts would appear a few days later.

I loved just having the Christmas tree lights on. They would blink and reflect off the packages. The anticipation would build up as each day seemed to slowly pass. I remember my brothers’ reactions to our excitement.

Greg, the oldest (12 years older than me) would always ask what we wanted from Santa Claus. He loved seeing us so excited and would let us chatter on. I can remember Mark (10 years older than me) crawling under the tree with me to inspect the packages.

Mark would ask me which one I wanted to try and guess what was inside. I would point to one and he would pick it up and gently shake it. “What do you think is inside this one?” I could never guess, but it didn’t matter. I loved playing this game with my brother.

Moma always made Christmas cookies with us. Always. I can remember the laughs and giggles and wonderful smells of that little kitchen. I remember I couldn’t wait for the cookies to come out of the oven so I would try to sneak dough while Moma wasn’t looking. And all those fabulous sprinkles in different colors to put on the cookies! Christmas needed to hurry up and get here if there was any hope of some cookies being left for Santa.

On Christmas Eve we would get all dressed up and head to candle light service at church. Daddy would have the radio on in the car and the radio station never failed to have the latest updates from the Santa Claus radar. They would give some part of town as the “last sighting” with Jodi and I eagerly asking, “Is that anywhere near us? Is he close to us?”

The answer was always the same. “It’s going to be a little while yet.” I suspect they had to say that. Had they said he was very close they would have had 2 little girls begging to stay home in order to catch a glimpse of Santa Claus. Oh and the reindeer! Especially Rudolph! What child didn’t want to be witness to all that?

I remember one Christmas in particular. My sister and I were quite young. We were walking out to the car to go to the candle light service when Daddy suddenly said, “Oh I forgot something. I’ll be right back.” Being a daddy’s girl I of course wanted to go back in with him. Moma quickly said, “No sweetheart. Daddy will be right back. Come get in the car.” I complied (surprisingly) and a few minutes later Daddy was back out and we were on our way.

When we came home after the service and walked into the house magic was everywhere! More gifts! I cannot tell you what all the gifts were but two still stand out vividly in my mind after all these years. Twin baby dolls each in their own carriers; one for me and one for my sister. I remember thinking, “how could Santa possibly know I would just love this baby doll?” Magic.

I knew it had to be magic because we did not have a chimney. That little fact used to be a little troubling to me at that age. But I had proof positive that Santa was real and he was magic! Gifts appeared and Santa’s cookies were gone.

After I was finally able to put my new baby down, I began to open my other gifts. I loved the sound of the wrapping being torn off the gifts to see what else the magic held for me. It was one of many perfect Christmas celebrations we had in our house growing up.

I’m sure by now you are wondering what this has to do with my Walk to Emmaus. It’s simple really. I grew up to realize that loving parents were behind the magical Santa. I was every bit excited for the walk to begin just as I was excited for Santa to come. Only now, miracles had replaced magic and I absolutely knew I would have wonderful gifts to open at Emmaus. I couldn’t wait to tear off that wrapping.