"Here I Am" Part 5

The paperwork was now headed to New Mexico via snail mail and I was constantly checking the pilgrim list several times a day. I would text my sponsor nearly as often to see if she has heard anything. She told me not to worry and she was praying and my prayers were becoming more and more focused each day.

By the time I finally made the list I was #6. On the waiting list. This time, I did not get discouraged. Look how far God had brought me. Was He going to bring me this far just to drop the ball? I highly doubted it, although I was at peace knowing that if for some reason I didn't make the pilgrim list it would be o.k. God is in control. If He decided to say no it would only be because He had something even better in store for me!

I kept wondering about something my sponsor said during our first meeting and my onslaught of questions. “Don’t anticipate. Participate.” Hmmm. Anticipate is all people with anxiety issues do. This is why we have anxiety! Don’t anticipate. Participate. Not really my cup of tea. We’ll see.

I continued to ask for prayers from family and friends. My prayers were so intense I always found myself crying before they were over. The tears were a mixture of joy and thankfulness. Hope and a longing to be nearer to Christ. A knowledge and understanding that the longing would be fulfilled. Don’t anticipate. Participate.

The amount of time I spent praying about going on this walk drew me closer and closer to God. I really wanted this walk to be about Jesus and what I could do for Him. I wanted my life to matter to the Kingdom. I wanted to let go and let God. I just didn’t expect to feel the closeness that I had been desperately missing so soon. Every time I prayed I felt Him surround me in His love and that feeling would last all day. I was getting back to where I had been before. Back to where I belong. Back in His presence without a load of garbage weighing me down.

Don’t anticipate. Participate. Totally out of my comfort zone. "Did I really go to lunch the other day with people I don’t know and sign up for a 4 day weekend to be surrounded by more people I don’t know?" Not to mention there are no cell phones allowed. What? And no clocks or watches. Hmmm. Don’t anticipate. Participate. I can do that. I can do that for God!

4 days with strangers. And participate in what? Wow. That question actually came to me out of curiosity instead of anxiety! That was another “ah ha” moment for me. God really had been preparing my heart (“Ask and you shall receive...” Matthew 7:7). I had no anxiety whatsoever.  I asked God to prepare my heart. He did. And He took away the anxiety I would normally go through before attempting something new. God is good.

God had already blessed me so many times on this adventure and I hadn’t even left yet. I was still # 6 on the waiting list with less than 2 weeks to go. It didn’t matter. I knew I was going. I was going. Not to anticipate. I was going to participate!

"Here I Am" Part 4

Only 36 pilgrims can go on a walk to Emmaus at a given time. The names of the pilgrims are on the website so they can be prayed over. There were only a few open slots left and I still hadn’t found a sponsor. What else could I try besides praying and pleading? I was experiencing peace about it and new that God would direct me, but I really was clueless as how to go about this.

Suddenly it occurred to me to reach out to the Emmaus community itself. I sent an email pleading my case. “I do not simply want to go, I have to go,” I told them. I do not remember what all I said, but it was short and straight to the point. Then began the waiting game.

I continued to pour my heart out to God and ask that my friends do the same so that I could make this walk. “Father, I know that the details are in your hands. I also know that I have such a yearning to be on this walk that could only come from You. So I pray that You would continue to prepare my heart for this experience. Expose all that is not of You that I hold in my heart and help me to release it all to You.”

Let me tell you something. When you ask God to “show you the ugly” and mean it, He will. I was almost amused at the rate He was showing me things. Not to mention they seemed so obvious. What on earth had I been thinking holding on to all of that?

It wasn’t even painful to have these things pointed out to me or to let them go. It was such a relief! (I have had some painful show-and-let-go experiences with God in the past, but that’s another blog!)  Little did I know these were just the little things. He was actually preparing my heart just as I had asked Him to do. While I was busy letting go, He was busy making more room for Jesus.

The empty spots on the pilgrim list were quickly filling up. I hadn’t given up hope but I was starting to revert to my very impatient self and getting frustrated. Out of the blue I received a phone call from a woman I had never met. I had such an excited yet peaceful feeling come over me as I listened to what she had to say.

Simply put, she explained that she heard about me through an email. At the time I assumed it was a friend of a friend that had emailed her about my plight. She agreed to be my sponsor and we made a lunch date for the following day. Only 2 empty slots left, but I am praising Jesus. I had a sponsor!

As I am waiting for Betty and Kayla (Co-sponsors it turns out) I’m thinking, “Man I am finally going to get some answers!” I was incredibly excited and equally incredibly wrong.

 I first asked who had emailed her about me. She clarified that she heard about me from the email I had through the Emmaus website! Betty explained that they never had received such a request so at the same time we were meeting, the leadership of Emmaus was meeting and praying just for me one state over! ( I live in Texas, High Plains Emmaus is based in New Mexico.)

People. People in another state. People in another state that I don’t even know are praying for me. God is so good and so faithful. I cannot help but cry. Praise God! I am crying, but these tears are not hopeless tears.

And the answers to my other questions? Yep. You guessed it. I got a “you are going to love it” and those big goofy smiles again. Fine. Great. (With less sarcasm this time.) I did almost ask, “Can you at least tell me if they have live chickens there?” Oh well. I really don’t care. I have 2 sponsors and I am going on a walk to Emmaus!

"Here I Am" Part 3

God and I have had our fair share of chats over the years and this topic was no exception. He was not allowing me to let this go. Fine. Great. Sometimes I think God is actually amused when I am being sarcastic. 

I resumed my search and somehow I ended up on a different site this time. It basically said the same thing, it was just a different Emmaus Community. For no obvious or apparent reason I started to really get excited about this. “Lord, is this the one? You want me to go here?” At that moment I absolutely knew without a doubt I was meant to be on the women’s walk #34 with the High Plains Emmaus Community.

Haha! Now we are rolling! Surely I can fill out form, enter my credit card number and wham! I’m in! Tsk. Tsk. When will I ever learn? Not only did God want me to be on this walk, He also wanted to be a part of the entire process.

You can only attend this community’s walks if you have a sponsor. A sponsor is someone that has previously been on a walk in this community and taken the sponsorship class. Fine. Great. I know no one. Now what? Feeling a slight nudge here…

Now sometimes I can be a bit hard headed, but yes I did see a pattern emerging. Time to hit my knees again! Now I don’t mean to imply that I have never prayed before this or never trusted God before this. But I will tell you that I had never completely surrendered before this. My prayer went something like this. “Father, if it is truly your will that I go on this walk, please place someone in my path that can sponsor me. In the meantime, Lord I just pray that you will prepare my heart to accept and understand everything that You want me to get from this experience.”

He did not disappoint. But He sure did not make it easy either. I posted on Facebook to see if any of my friends knew anybody that knew anybody that could sponsor me. I would get leads and get excited only to have them fall through. It happened several times and I was getting discouraged (oh ye of little faith Matthew 8:26).

I also posted on my Facebook account several times my pleas for prayers from all my Christian friends concerning this matter. Talk about blessings. Reflecting on this now I do believe our good Lord above wanted me to see just how many beautiful people He has already placed in my life that absolutely love Him and by extension of His grace, love me. Wow. What a lesson. To look for the blessings in the disappointments.

Prayer time again. I said the same prayer as above and then added, “Lord. Thank you for these people that you have placed in my life. Thank you for guiding me and loving me. Please examine my heart. I want everything ugly out of there. I need to make more room for Jesus. I need less of me and more of You.”

Prayer life is a wonderful thing. I like to document what I pray about. It helps me to remember that God always answers and He is always faithful. You just have to listen for His voice and get rid of your own preconceived ideas of how things should be or work out. Although my situation had not changed, my attitude about it certainly had. It was as if God Himself were sitting in chair across from me saying, “Don’t worry, Daughter. I have everything under control. Just trust me.” And so I did.