"Here I Am" Part 2

There are a few things you should know about me, or more accurately the Pre-Emmaus Walk "me" before I get started on that whole experience. In my adulthood I began to suffer from anxiety attacks, so much so that I didn't want to leave my house if not absolutely necessary. I would go to work or grocery shopping without any major issues, but to venture out and do something fun became somewhat of a challenge for me. It just got easier and easier to stay home. The anxiety didn’t always win, but it was definitely a major player.

Talking in front of a group has never been a favorite task of mine, even though I always held managerial positions at work. It became increasingly uncomfortable for me as time wore on. At first I noticed a tremor in my voice and felt my insides shaking. It finally came to the point that all saliva would instantly leave my mouth the second I began to speak. If you have ever experienced this, you know it is nearly impossible to enunciate correctly when your mouth is bone dry!

Another issue I had developed was avoiding new places. If I was alone, forget it. I wasn't going. Not gonna happen! I only mention these things now because they truly are relevant later on.
 A Walk to Emmaus! Great! I didn't know what it was all about, but if my friend said I should go then go I will! I began to Google this and found very vague information that basically said it was a weekend full of fellowship and over the course of the weekend the "pilgrim" would be engaged in 15 topics given by 15 different speakers. O.k...

It didn't sound bad. And who wouldn’t want to be a pilgrim? I wasn't sure it was what I was really looking for so I decided to ask around a bit. This walk to Emmaus quickly became very intriguing. Several people knew of this walk, others had been. But nobody would tell me about it. They would get a huge smile and say something like, "It's such an awesome thing to do!" or "You are going to love it!" I would respond with, "Yeah o.k., but what do you do there? What is it actually like?" The theme of everyone's response, although lacking in detail ultimately were the same. "A walk to Emmaus is a life-changing experience."

Now I don't know about you, but all the individuals that were excited for me to go but wouldn't tell me anything led me to one unavoidable thought. C-U-L-T. What a freaky thought! I'm searching for a closer relationship with the Lord and at the same time couldn't help but wonder, "Am I going to have to eat the head of a live chicken while I'm there?" No thanks. I think I will go home and pray!

And pray I did. I had felt God trying to lead me for months. Gently nudging and prodding. In my true self-serving and "I know better than you, God" kind of way I decided I would hold out for what I wanted to do. You know...because crying all the time and clinging to crazy was working so well for me. Despite my stubborn exterior, my interior was beginning to crack.