"Here I Am" Part 5

The paperwork was now headed to New Mexico via snail mail and I was constantly checking the pilgrim list several times a day. I would text my sponsor nearly as often to see if she has heard anything. She told me not to worry and she was praying and my prayers were becoming more and more focused each day.

By the time I finally made the list I was #6. On the waiting list. This time, I did not get discouraged. Look how far God had brought me. Was He going to bring me this far just to drop the ball? I highly doubted it, although I was at peace knowing that if for some reason I didn't make the pilgrim list it would be o.k. God is in control. If He decided to say no it would only be because He had something even better in store for me!

I kept wondering about something my sponsor said during our first meeting and my onslaught of questions. “Don’t anticipate. Participate.” Hmmm. Anticipate is all people with anxiety issues do. This is why we have anxiety! Don’t anticipate. Participate. Not really my cup of tea. We’ll see.

I continued to ask for prayers from family and friends. My prayers were so intense I always found myself crying before they were over. The tears were a mixture of joy and thankfulness. Hope and a longing to be nearer to Christ. A knowledge and understanding that the longing would be fulfilled. Don’t anticipate. Participate.

The amount of time I spent praying about going on this walk drew me closer and closer to God. I really wanted this walk to be about Jesus and what I could do for Him. I wanted my life to matter to the Kingdom. I wanted to let go and let God. I just didn’t expect to feel the closeness that I had been desperately missing so soon. Every time I prayed I felt Him surround me in His love and that feeling would last all day. I was getting back to where I had been before. Back to where I belong. Back in His presence without a load of garbage weighing me down.

Don’t anticipate. Participate. Totally out of my comfort zone. "Did I really go to lunch the other day with people I don’t know and sign up for a 4 day weekend to be surrounded by more people I don’t know?" Not to mention there are no cell phones allowed. What? And no clocks or watches. Hmmm. Don’t anticipate. Participate. I can do that. I can do that for God!

4 days with strangers. And participate in what? Wow. That question actually came to me out of curiosity instead of anxiety! That was another “ah ha” moment for me. God really had been preparing my heart (“Ask and you shall receive...” Matthew 7:7). I had no anxiety whatsoever.  I asked God to prepare my heart. He did. And He took away the anxiety I would normally go through before attempting something new. God is good.

God had already blessed me so many times on this adventure and I hadn’t even left yet. I was still # 6 on the waiting list with less than 2 weeks to go. It didn’t matter. I knew I was going. I was going. Not to anticipate. I was going to participate!